I’ve been meaning to sit down and write down all of my feelings, and I haven’t really had the time to go ahead and sort them out. I really haven’t had the time to think like I have been, and I’m glad for that. I’m glad because I don’t have to wallow in self-pity and regret. It’s not so much self-pity as it is regret. It’s been a year and I still can’t believe he’s gone. I am in the middle between stages 3, 4, & 5 (grief) I don’t think I will ever really understood why certain things came to pass, and others were swept under the carpet. I haven’t had any dreams of my dad that have shaken my awake like I have a year ago.
A year ago I said goodbye to my dad for one last time. I touched his hand, and I cried. I vowed that I would make him proud. I know that I didn’t make him proud last semester because I didn’t try and I was tired of the shit teacher I had picked out. I know when I pick certain teachers it for Phoenix College. I think I need to schedule a tour of the campus for PVCC because as bad as I thought it was last semester, I really did hate my life and the people surrounding it.
I didn’t really get to make any friends because I was new, and the students I worked with were less than professional. Working in the R&R put a bitter, nasty taste in my mouth. I was the ONLY white female working with a majority of African Americans. You know how it goes when they surround themselves with others of their ethnicity, right? They have to use the word nigger they have to pretend to be something they are not. Of course I see it plain as day where I didn’t really fit in, and I tried to be something I wasn’t.
I should have never really opened my mouth, and I am so glad that I was let go of my position (whatever it may be) because I am employed in a different department and I don’t have to deal with less than professional students. To my understanding I had a great work ethic; however, my pace wasn’t fast enough. I just hope this job won’t be too much like the one I had in R&R. I think I am done for now. Just remember, I’ll come back to you.