I used to be able to go and write down my feelings and I can't. I think I'm too private of a person now. I finally grew up. Who would have thought?

Dear Friend,

I’ve been meaning to sit down and write down all of my feelings, and I haven’t really had the time to go ahead and sort them out. I really haven’t had the time to think like I have been, and I’m glad for that. I’m glad because I don’t have to wallow in self-pity and regret.  It’s not so much self-pity as it is regret. It’s been a year and I still can’t believe he’s gone. I am in the middle between stages 3, 4, & 5 (grief) I don’t think I will ever really understood why certain things came to pass, and others were swept under the carpet. I haven’t had any dreams of my dad that have shaken my awake like I have a year ago.

A year ago I said goodbye to my dad for one last time. I touched his hand, and I cried. I vowed that I would make him proud. I know that I didn’t make him proud last semester because I didn’t try and I was tired of the shit teacher I had picked out. I know when I pick certain teachers it for Phoenix College. I think I need to schedule a tour of the campus for PVCC because as bad as I thought it was last semester, I really did hate my life and the people surrounding it.

I didn’t really get to make any friends because I was new, and the students I worked with were less than professional. Working in the R&R put a bitter, nasty taste in my mouth. I was the ONLY white female working with a majority of African Americans. You know how it goes when they surround themselves with others of their ethnicity, right? They have to use the word nigger they have to pretend to be something they are not. Of course I see it plain as day where I didn’t really fit in, and I tried to be something I wasn’t.

I should have never really opened my mouth, and I am so glad that I was let go of my position (whatever it may be) because I am employed in a different department and I don’t have to deal with less than professional students. To my understanding I had a great work ethic; however, my pace wasn’t fast enough.  I just hope this job won’t be too much like the one I had in R&R. I think I am done for now. Just remember, I’ll come back to you.

i’m jealous of the moon

because she knows all of your 5am secrets

and your sheets who get to touch

every part of you as you fall asleep

while I keep a close eye on this empty pillow

waiting for your weight to keep it warm

but the sun,

he is luckiest of all.

when you’re half asleep, groggy

and painfully unaware of how

beautiful you look

he kisses your lips with light